Making something that matters to somebody that isn't just me
I don’t know if this is a standard issue artist sentiment, but I have this deep-seated desire to make something that is deemed significant. It's a tricky thing to achieve because I don’t know if I have any direct control over that. All I can do is make stuff I think is good. Unfortunately, I’m not at a point where I’m as good as I need to be to accomplish “making something significant” but I’m pretty sure I can get there one day.
The thing is, I feel a sort of shame in wanting that? I don’t think I need widespread acclaim, but can a work achieve major cultural significance without it? I’m more of the mind that if a small, dedicated group of people come to an understanding of me and my work, that would be enough. Probably. Being a critically acclaimed author doesn’t seem like my speed. I don't like attention. I don’t want to get an agent or a manager that seems like such a hassle. The business side of being an artist frazzles my brain. I just want somebody to watch/read something I’ve made and feel seen and understood. For there to be something mutual there. Something inspiring, that you can read/watch and it makes you go “Damn. I gotta get off my ass and make something.” Like I have so many times before. I read Blue Period last year and it broke my brain forever. My shit is held together by scotch tape right now. Tsubasa Yamaguchi, you rocked my world.
It’s just so easy to feel isolated in how you feel because it’s so hard to believe that everyone is suffering in similar ways. But they are, they really are. So when you experience something that just gets it, man it’s so electrifying. So often when I’m conceptualizing characters and stories it's so hard for me to pull away how I’m feeling at the moment. Which seems like a good thing but I can’t shake the feeling that it's overly indulgent. I’ve been fighting that feeling for the longest. I think I’m pretty good with my words but I’m bad at speaking them and I’m even worse at committing to them. I think if I throw it all out there, it's my best method for reaching out my hand and communicating how I’ve felt. And hopefully it helps other people feel seen. We all deserve to be, after all.
Ultimately making something that matters is a worthy goal, I think. But in the same breath I don’t know if it's worth chasing. To what end do I seek that out? Should I at all? Probably not, right? It should come naturally and you gotta make stuff for you and all that. But I don’t know- I’m always making stuff for me! How could I possibly make something that isn’t for me? How the fuck could you be interested in something like that for long enough to finish it.
Okay that kind of went all over the place. While we're being honest I think that’s one of my biggest weaknesses. I’m so bad at being concise. That's the whole reason I wanted to work in television because I think I’m too wordy for movies. I’m noticing that a lot of my motivations are rooted in negativity, which is probably a bad thing. Fuck it though man, its that or nothing. I’m trying to rewire my brain to be a more positive person because I’ve been really negative to my own detriment for basically my whole life. That shit sure is hard though.
I’ve been really struggling with my creative output lately. I wrote 1.5 chapters of a story towards the end of last year and at the start of this year but I just lost steam. I’m trying to get back into the swing of things but it’s hard. I also changed my approach recently, for the longest time I’ve been wanting to write something all the way through so that I can say I did it. However, something changed in my mind after Akira Toriyama passed away earlier this year. I decided to go wide instead of deep. I have like seven or eight story concepts lying around and I think I’d like to write all of them a pilot episode/ first chapter and then work from there. I just want them all to be out there in some capacity in case there’s ever a point that I’m not around. That could sound alarming l, but I don’t plan on going anywhere! I’m too stubborn, I think. More stubborn than necessarily driven or motivated. Which again is probably not a good thing! But man it is what it is.
Ultimately, I don’t know if I reasoned my way into an answer to any of the above. Part of the reason I wrote out this blogpost was to try to get closer to an answer by actually talking this stuff out. For all I know I might never reach an actual conclusion. However, what I do know is that all I can do for now is keep working at it. Keep trying my best and keep moving forward.
P.S. I like the idea of linking some music I've been listening to during the time where I'm making the post as a neat little time capsule but also just as a way to share.
